Get Gaara’s Gourd! Fatal Strike!
by Ienzo
Summary: [One shot] Remember those really funny episodes of Naruto? I love those so much and thus created one of my own...in 20 minutes. YEAH! Enjoy it! Review it! Believe it!


_Get Gaara's Gourd! Fatal Strike! _

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Previously on Naruto: Tsunade, Hokage of Konoha and one of the three legendary Sannins, has ordered the team from the Sand Village to assist the Konoha Team in finding a long lost Sake Swamp she heard was rumored to be in the western desert. Naruto, having been promised an S-Level mastermind was guarding the swamp, agreed happily to accompany Konoha's Sakura, Hyuuga Hinata, Kiba, and Akamaru, with Hyuuga Neji leading and the Sand's Gaara as their guardian. Halfway through the desert, everyone has stopped for a break…

"Hey, Gaara!" Gaara looked over at Neji, "How long have you had that gourd?" he asked with curiosity. Gaara looked down at the sand around his feet and mumbled, "Since I was born. I'm rather sensitive about the gourd. Speak not of it again!" Neji, sensing the tone in his voice, abandoned the question quickly. Gaara swiftly left Neji's company and went to sit with Hinata and Sakura, who were straightening out a picnic blanket on a small hill. "Oh! Hey, Gaara!" Sakura called very flirtatiously. Gaara ignored her but sat down on the hardened log nevertheless. Hinata slid over a bit but said nothing to him. Gaara's expression was almost completely emotionless. Sakura looked back up, "Gaara! Come sit over here!" Gaara shot her a threatening glance, causing her to be very quiet for a moment. Still, he stood and walked over to her area, claiming a spot on the rug. He whispered, "You…are…" Sakura's eyes lit up; "He's speaking to me!" she thought. His voice faded back into her ears, "…very…strange." Sakura fell over in shock. INNER SAKURA: "'Strange?' 'STRANGE?!' I'll give him 'strange!' I'll kill that idiot! Hell yeah!" Suddenly, she began blushing again with Gaara's innocent face staring at her. Her thoughts raged, "He's looking again…I can't be mad at him. I need to say something so I'll look good. What to say? What should I say?!" Thinking quickly, she got down on her knees and crawled over to him. She grabbed his shoulders gently and whispered nervously, "You know, Gaara-kun…I just wanted…to tell you this…gourd makes you look really…sexy!" Gaara jumped up and stood near Hinata and Akamaru. "Sexy gourd? Why'd I say that? Thousands of things to tell him, and I said his gourd made him sexy?! Now, I've really done it." Neji, having overheard the conversation, was already laughing himself silly! "You know, I've never seen Gaara-san move so fast…" Kiba commented. Hinata thought, "Gaara's gourd really does the job! If only I had the courage to tell him such things…" Gaara closed his eyes as Sakura scrambled quickly toward the quiet Naruto and the still laughing Neji. "Neji, help me! I think Gaara's going to kill me!" Neji, pulling himself together, asked, "What did you say to him that made him move like that?!" Sakura looked away, "I told him his gourd made his…sexy." Naruto's face flashed red, "Sakura-chan, you never tell _me_ things like that! What's the deal?!" Sakura became extremely angry with Naruto! "That's because Gaara is HOTT, and you're NOT!!" she spouted off.

Naruto thought, "Sakura said Gaara's gourd made him sexy. If I steal his gourd, she will think I'm sexy, too!" He decided to stay quiet until Sakura had finished ranting to Neji, hoping she would calm down. "I don't know why I said that! Why can't I be more like Hinata, who never says anything?!" Neji appeared to listen intently to her rant but was actually still remembering how Gaara had jumped away from her so quickly. Sakura smiled finally, "Thanks for listening, Neji. It's really nice to have someone to talk to." Neji patted her on the back. Naruto decided now was the time to make his move for Gaara's sexiness! "Hey, Gaara…" he called. Having heard Sakura call him that way, he began slowly walking away from Naruto as though ignoring him. Naruto continued, "I need to talk to you about something!" Gaara still walked on in a circle around the camp. "Gaara, stop!" he called out, but still the Sand ninja walked on. "If he is going to act this way," Naruto thought, "I will have to go after him by force." Gaara, sensing Naruto had stopped following him, also stopped walking. Naruto crossed his hands and closed his eyes, "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Five Naruto figures darted forward and ambushed Gaara, each reaching for that precious gourd.

"I'll take it!" Naruto #1 reached for the gourd but, sensing his intentions, the sand intercepted his hands leaving him with nothing. Gaara spun about, crushing the life out of the copy. Naruto #2 tried to distract Gaara, calling, "I saw you with Sakura-chan earlier!" while Naruto #3 and #4 jumped on Gaara taking him to the ground. Naruto #5 leapt into the air and down upon Gaara. Suddenly, the gourd was swallowed up by the sand and spit out near the real Naruto in a slightly different form. At this point, the gourd more closely resembled a pyramid with many openings with light pouring forth. Fearing he would drop and break it, Naruto held it tightly in his arms close to his chest and ran with it. He turned back to see Gaara's eyes glaring down his back mere steps behind him. "I must hurry!" he thought, "I need to get away from Gaara, so Sakura-chan will say I'm sexy!" He pictured their marriage, "I now announce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride to make it official!" Sakura, as planned, leaned over to kiss him, but the sand jumped in her way. Naruto dusted the sand off his lips, "Okay, let's try that again." She pressed her lips against his sand-covered lips once more. "Naruto, get rid of the gourd now!" He took it in his arms, thinking, "I can't get rid of it…I won't be sexy anymore!" He looked over seeing Gaara with his arms crossed, "You stole my gourd! If you don't get rid of it, you'll lose your bride! If you do get rid of it and give it back…I'll kill you!" Naruto snapped back to reality, "If I don't give the gourd back to him, I'll die at my wedding…Maybe I'll give it back right after she tells me how sexy I am with this gourd. Yes, that's what I'll do." He made a quick left toward her, hoping to lose Gaara for a few seconds. Seeing Gaara chasing Naruto with his stolen gourd coming toward her, she suddenly grabbed the log. "Sakura-chan, don't I look…" She blasted him with the log, knocking into the nearby sand wall. "Don't steal Gaara's gourd!!" Gaara seized the pyramid as it flew through the air, and upon his touch, it assumed its original form. Naruto lay on the ground with his usual dazed and confused expression. "Why didn't she say I was sexy?" Naruto thought hopelessly as unconsciousness claimed him.

Meanwhile, Hinata was planning her move while Sakura was aiming to go back for more! Hinata thought over what she would say, "Hmm…what about: 'Gaara, you sexy beast! I want you all to myself!' …No, I'm not like that. How about: 'Gaara, why don't we go out?' Umm…not that either. I know, I'll just say: 'Hey, Gaara.'" Satisfied, she turned toward that man of her dreams, "Hey, Gaara!" Gaara, remembering the look on Neji's face when he asked about the gourd, the look on Sakura's face when she told him the gourd made him sexy, and the look on Naruto's face when he stole the gourd, became frightened beyond all reason at Hinata's mindless zombie-like expression creeping slowly towards him! Suddenly, she ran at high speed at him, stopped next to him and said, "Your…gourd…is very…pretty!" "GAAAAH!" he shouted in insanity, "Why?! Why?! Why me?!" He ran off toward Kiba and Akamaru, who had already distanced themselves from everyone else and were the only ones Gaara could even partially trust at this point. As Gaara sought shelter with them, Kiba smiled, closed his eyes, and raised his hand, "High-five, Bro. Nice gourd!" He opened his eyes at the sound of a loud crash; he opened his eyes and saw Gaara lying on the ground in silence, his cold eyes glaring upward into the sky. "Umm…what happened to him?" Kiba asked innocently. Sakura and Hinata came quickly with wild expressions to see about him. "He has no pulse!" Sakura cried. "He does not respond to my ointments!" Hinata cried. Suddenly, Akamaru began yelping at Kiba's feet. "What? Talking about Gaara's gourd was his one true weakness? That's why he died?" Neji fell over once more, laughing and laughing incessantly. Sakura cried, "He's dead! My one true love! I go, too!" She crashed dead upon Gaara's body. "No! Sakura-chan! Don't die! I love you! I cannot live without you. Now, I come with you to the other world!" Kiba shouted and died next to her. Neji, still laughing by the log, suddenly stopped…having died of laughter. "I need blood!" a voice called from the ground. The sand from Gaara's gourd crept forward and covered all the scattered dead corpses quickly and swallowed them. Just then, Naruto came to his senses and returned to the place where Sakura had slammed him with the log. "Where'd they all go? They didn't already go back home, did they? Akamaru!" he called, his eyes falling on his companion. The little dog, the only member remaining, ran to him, licking his face vigorously. "Well, at least you stayed with me back here." He began walking back toward Konoha's direction, "Hey, Akamaru. Kiba says you can smell things, right? Can you tell if there's a ramen shop nearby?" The little dog shook his head, soft tears on his face. Naruto frowned, "I know, Akamaru. I really wanted some, too…"

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